Cliffs

What is it about cliffs that makes them so enticing? What is it exactly that makes otherwise sane, rational people feel the need to walk right up to the edge and peer over? Furthermore, what is it that makes us think that hitting the bottom is going to be any less painful than the last time we jumped off? And yet, we leap time and again, hoping that this is the time the net will magically appear to catch us. We hold our breaths and pray as we take that first step off and begin to free-fall.

Oh and what a glorious feeling it is - the falling. The wind rushes past noisily, blocking out all other sounds and senses until the only thing left is the blissful feeling of complete freedom. Even the nagging voice reminding you that the ground is looming is quieted in that first instant. As the ground draws nearer though, that voice grows louder and more insistant that you hear its simple truth: you are going to hit the ground and it is going to hurt like hell.

In those moments we are torn in opposite directions, trying to prepare for the inevitable and desperately clinging to those final moments of free-falling bliss; all the while, still waiting for the net to appear. It is not until the point of impact, when the ground slams into us, that we fully accept what we have known in our hearts all along: there was never really any net at all.

I am...who?

There seems to be a lot of talk lately about labels and how we define ourselves and our roles in this world. Do those lables really make up the whole picture? Or are they just a snapshot, a 3x5, when the real picture is a panoramic? My lovely friend Brianna wrote an amazing post, painting us a bigger, better picture of who she really is. I am so often inspired by her words and this post was no different. So without any more babbling or stalling, here is my own.

I am Stephanie.

I am Betty McSunshine, Ashley, Kiwi, Alice, Georgia, Pima, Steph, Stephie to none, thank God.

I am Queen of Nicknames.

I am mom, daughter, sister, niece, friend.

I am a little exhausted, but mostly invigorated. Life is a precious gift and I don't want to waste a second of it.

I am an imperfect person.

I am giving myself permission to be an imperfect person. It is not an excuse to be lazy, selfish or intentionally hurtful, but a realization that I am human, and as such, will always fall short. If my house is not spotless at the end of the day, if the laundry isn't all caught up, if I didn't cook my daughter a gourmet meal, or get the pictures hung or the flowers watered, it is OK. The world will not cease to exist because my bed went unmade for the 12th day in a row. I can not be everything, do everything, please everyone. It is impossible and unreasonable to ask that of myself.

I am a good friend and I am fiercely loyal. If you need me, I am here. Regardless of the day, the time, the reason, if you call me, I will come. No questions asked. I am forgiving but I don't forget if you hurt me or my family.

I am a judgement-free zone. I may disagree, it may not be what I would have chosen, but I respect that we all have the freedom to make our own choices. I will never judge you. In return however, I ask that you not judge me. I absolutely refuse to build relationships with those who do.

I am bold and intense. I am loud and my brain has no filter. I am going to say something that hurts your feelings at some point. I am going to apologize for hurting you, because I am truly sorry that I did. I am never going to be intentionally mean.

I am addicted to post-it notes and quotes. Lucky for me they go together so well.

I am a creative soul. I love to make jewelry, cards, things for the house, etc. My favorite thing to make is baby blankets. As I sit with the soft yarn intertwined around my fingers, I pray for the child it is going to. That it will keep them warm and offer them security. I secretly hope that they keep it always and pass it down to their own babies.

I am brave. I am also terrified. Of so much I don't even know where to start. But I refuse to give in to the fear. So I put on my big girl panties and move forward, one tiny step at a time.

I am a believer in Jesus. I believe that He loves me always. I believe that He loves you always. I am so thankful that He extends grace and mercy to a train-wreck like me.

I am in love with my daughter. I am the mom who stares at her in awe and wonder. I am proud of her and the little person she is already becoming. I am her protector and I am always surprised how quickly that shield flies up.

I am incredibly blessed by amazing friends. Marcel Proust said, "Let us be grateful to those who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." My friends dry my tears, make me laugh, love me when I'm unlovable. They even hold me tightly while it storms and cover my ears when it thunders. Did I mention I am scared of storms? I am a sissy.

I am a writer. I write every single day, even if it's just for 5 minutes. I want to publish the novel I am working on. It is the first one that I believe actually has the potential to not suck. I dream of the day that I can hold my book in my hands and weep because I actually freakin' did it.

I am at peace the second my toes hit the shore of the Pacific Ocean. As the freezing water rushes past my ankles, my toes dig in a little deeper and root themselves to the spot. All extraneous noise dies, the voices in my head shut up, and all that surrounds me is the whipping wind and crashing waves. That is what happiness sounds like. I am blissful.

I am me and I am the only me there will ever be. I am strong and true and brave.

I am ME.

Let it go

Over on Without Wax, Pete Wilson wrote a post about striving to be a person who is fast to forgive. I have to say that while it was not what I wanted to hear, it was exactly what I needed to hear tonight. Those who know me will tell you that I am definitely not fast to forgive. I am the queen of holding on to things that I should have let go of years ago.

I don't know why I struggle to let things go. I choose to let things eat at me instead of just moving on and focusing on something else. I know that forgiveness isn't always an easy thing to accomplish, but I rarely even try. I think there's something about holding onto my indignation that makes me feel like I'm taking back a little control over a situation that didn't go as I had planned. It affects every relationship & friendship that I've ever had. I feel very certain that I would be a much happier, lighter person if I could just learn to let it go. I let myself get robbed of so much joy because I'm too busy focusing on who I'm mad at today.

So, going forward I am going to make the conscious decision to be fast to forgive. Or at least make a valiant effort...

So grateful

Tonight I am overwhelmed with gratitude for my healthy daughter. Nothing happened, nothing changed, I am just loving my beautiful baby girl. It's been a rough couple of weeks since we came home. Alaina hasn't been sleeping well, Scotlon has been putting in a ridiculous number of hours at work, and I've been beyond frazzled. I've cried because being a mommy is so much harder than anyone tells you it is and then immediately felt guilty because our story could have had a very different ending. I've looked at my kid and said, "come ON, I just need 5 minutes of peace" and then hugged her so tight she probably couldn't breathe because I do love her so very much.

If I had to guess, I think every new mom probably feels that way to some extent but no one really talks about it. Why is it so hard to say that I need help? Why do I feel like I have to have it "together" all the time? We put so much pressure on ourselves and each other to not show any signs of weakness when it's not weakness but reality that we can't do it alone. Can you imagine what a difference it would make if we spent half as much time building each other up as we do picking each other a part?

I'm a little scattered tonight. I'm not sure exactly where I was headed when I started this post but it definitely wasn't where I ended up...

~Stephanie

Typing with one hand

I have been working on this post since we got home but can't quite seem to finish it. Right now I am typing with one hand because my sweet daughter screams when I put her down. It is so thoughtful of her to reassure me that her lungs really are healed now! Anyhow, here are some pictures from our first week home. Enjoy!

Love,

Stephanie

Inappropriate Classroom Behavior

Last night, armed with two pillows and a blanket, we attended the first week of our childbirth classes. We were a little unsure of what to expect since we've never had a need to attend this kind of class before. Nothing, NOTHING, could have prepared us for the next two hours.

We arrived early and met the woman who will be teaching our classes. Off the bat, I'm wondering how many years it's been since she has actually been in labor. Seriously, I think she might be related to Methuselah (we later found out that she has 8 great-grandchildren). I admonished myself for being so judgmental and thought about all the wise older people that I have learned from over the years. After attending only one of our five classes, I can tell you with confidence that she is not going to be one of them.

We get in and settled into the very back row of the classroom. I usually don't sit in the very back because I'm a nerd, but Scotlon insisted and I am so glad that he did. As people are filing in, I'm secretly thrilled that I am not the largest woman in the room. I mean, I love the girls I work with but they're all dieting and skinny. It did something amazing for my self-esteem to sit with women who are not shrinking more by the day. We go around and everyone introduces themselves, when they're due, etc. Then we got down to business.

As we're discussing the progression of labor, our instructor picks up the skeleton pelvis and the doll so she can demonstrate. She shows the baby moving down and everything is going fine until she puts the pelvis back down on the table...with the baby's head still stuck in it. The baby is now sticking straight up at a 45 degree angle out of the pelvis. Perhaps if I had gotten enough sleep on Monday night this might not have been so funny. However, it caught me just right last and the laughter started. At this point, it was still containable though.

We move on to relaxation techniques and visualization. The woman on the tape she's playing has us visualizing ourselves in the womb, talking to our babies, what is your baby telling you? (My baby is telling me to get out...there's barely enough room for her in there)! Then we're imagining our babies in the ocean with water all around. (What the crap is my baby doing in the middle of the ocean? She can't swim people, she's going to drown! How is this supposed to be relaxing me)?

The tape transitions into relaxing each part of our body individually. Each appendage is getting heavy and warm. When she gets to our legs getting heavy and warm, soooo relaxed, all I can hear is Ron White doing his bit about floating down the river peeing on himself. I've got the giggles at this point and I am trying desperately not to laugh out loud. She then says to imagine ourselves warm and flaccid. I will not share my inappropriate thoughts here, but my composure took a nose dive and my shoulders were shaking uncontrollably. The girl in front of me turned around to glare at me, which only made me laugh harder. Not only am I not doing the breathing exercise, but I can't stop laughing long enough to suck in ANY air. The tape finally ends and the instructor lets us have a break. I bolt for the door as fast as my 30 week pregnant belly will let me, praying that I can hold in the laughter until I get outside.

Bear in mind, that we're only halfway through the class at this point. The rest was filled with more of the same uncontrollable laughter and praying that the time would pass quickly. The conclusion that we came to on the way home was that we essentially paid $75 for a self-esteem boost and a great abdominal workout.

I can't wait to see what's on the agenda for next week....

Abundant Blessings

I have been a terrible blogger lately. I can not believe that it has been over a month since I last posted! I kept meaning to get on and the time just flew by me. For the few of you who actually read this, I promise to try to do better in the future.

To give you a quick update, baby and I are still doing great. After much debate, we decided that Huey needed a more feminine name:) We finally settled on Alaina and love calling our daughter by her name! She's growing strong and we're over halfway there. Only 16 more weeks to go!

Scotlon is still out of work. It's been almost 6 weeks now and while we have some leads working, nothing definite yet. To add to that, the Department of Labor takes forever to approve unemployment when there's severance involved and we haven't seen the first check. For the last 4 weeks we've been surviving solely on my salary and on God's promise to provide. And has He ever...

I have a confession to make. We are terrible tithers. In the past we have always meant to tithe more consistently and have even had numerous discussions about it. However, we have never been consistent about following through. Until now. When Scotlon lost his job, it felt like the end of the world. When we calmed down we realized that God was using this period as a teaching opportunity. We were asking Him to provide for our needs and to bless us while being directly disobedient to what He was laying on our hearts. He made it abundantly clear that it was time for a change.

Can I tell you that He has provided in ways that we could never have imagined? He has strengthened our relationship in a time that we could have easily been at each others throats. He has poured out blessings from the most random places at exactly the time we need them. He has stretched our dollars further than we have ever been able to make them go on our own. It hasn't been easy and I don't expect that's going to change. But I would not trade the peace that has come from really trusting that He is in control for anything in the world.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."
Phil. 4:6-7

The Only Way

As I have mentioned previously, our Bible study group has grown by leaps and bounds since we started! Last week one of the ladies that joined the study trusted Jesus to be her savior! She and a couple of friends wrote the following poem and I just had to share it with you. Please continue to pray that God blesses our lives and helps us to reach others through this study.

The Only Way!

Go ahead, put up your wall
Rest assured, one day He’ll call
And when your wall starts to crumble
Bowing your head, feeling so humble
So broken hearted, you begin to pray
On your knees he hears you say
Forgive me Lord, Save my soul
Heal me now, make me whole
Take away my sins and help me grow
Let your Holy Spirit flow
Thank you Lord for this day
Saved by Grace, The Only Way!

90 days

A few months ago (90 days to be exact) I finally got my butt in gear and started a new Bible study. A week later, I met with an old friend who was struggling with the same things I was, and she decided to join in the study as well. We prayed that God would turn our hearts towards Him. We prayed that we would influence our families in a positive way. We thanked Him for welcoming us with open arms when we came running back. We praised God for each other and talked about the great changes we expected to see over the next 90 days. Neither of us could have ever imagined what was up ahead.

In the last 90 days:

*Each of our lives and our relationships have changed radically.

*We got out of our comfort zones and obeyed when the Holy Spirit led us to do things we weren't crazy about.

*She led her daughter to Christ!

*Our study grew from 1 to 2. And then to 4. And then to 8. We start our next book on Sunday and we're adding more to the group daily. We would love to have you join us! E-mail me and I'll send you all the information you need.

*Three offices full of women have started prayer groups to lift each other up instead of tearing each other down. Can you imagine what a difference this alone could make if every office full of women did this?

I have never been as broken, as humbled as I am right now. As honored, that God choose me to be a part of this. With all my sin, all my junk, all my baggage, He still sees potential here. How is it possible that He loves me so much after all the ways I've disappointed Him? And still, He rains down infinite grace and mercy. For years I've been saying that I trust Him, that I love Him, that I understand that He died for me; for the first time in my life, I really "get" it. It's a heart knowledge, not just a head knowledge. I am at a place in my walk that I've never been before and I know that I will never be the same again. I never want to be.

I covet your prayers as we start this next study. Pray that God will ready our hearts for the message He wants us to hear. Pray that as we catch fire we will ignite the people around us. Pray that our actions, our lives, will glorify Him in all that we do. Pray that God will move in our lives in a way that we could never imagine.

Thank you Lord. For more than words can even begin to express, thank you.

Obedience

There are moments in life where the greatness of God overwhelms my heart. Times that I see His plan unfolding in front of me as I stand in awe of Him. Tears run down my face as I write this because my heart is too full of joy to hold it in.

One of my dear friends led her daughter to Christ this morning.

So many little steps of obedience, by many people, led up to this moment. So often I don't understand where God is going at all. And there are many times I won't ever understand what His purpose was in a certain situation. I'm getting to the point where that's okay though. I don't have to know what He is doing, all I have to do is be obedient to what He is calling me to do. If one person in this sweet girl's story had chosen not to listen to God's calling, it would have changed everything.

I encourage you to listen for His voice and be obedient to whatever it is He's calling you to do. Even when it seems like something small or random. You never know what a difference it might make.

Cell Phone vs. The Bible

I received this as an e-mail from a friend and it stopped me dead in my tracks. It makes me wonder what our priorities really are...


I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible
like we treat our cell phone?

What if we carried it around in our purses or pockets?

What if we flipped through it several times a day?

What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?

What if we used it to receive messages from the text?

What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it?

What if we gave it to kids as gifts?

What if we used it when we traveled?

What if we used it in case of an emergency?

Oh, and one more thing. Unlike our cell phones, we don't have to worry about our Bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill.

How Many Pairs of Shoes Do You Own?

**Update**I found 7 more pair in our guest closet bringing my total to 42 pairs of shoes. Which just makes the whole thing more terrible. I have shoes that I FORGOT ABOUT and there are children who have no shoes.**

A little random for a Monday morning I know, but humor me. One of the blogs I follow, Brad Ruggles, asked this question on Friday. So, I counted and I own 35 pairs of shoes. He followed up yesterday with a post for the 40 Day Fast.

Reading about the number of children that are running around with no shoes, cutting their feet on rocks, while I have a multitude to choose from, is heartbreaking. In fact, with my cast on one foot, I only have a few pair to pick from and I've been complaining about being confined to those.

That makes me a little nauseous.

Go check out his post for the exact number of children who have no shoes. I can't read it and not be moved to do something about it.