Cliffs

What is it about cliffs that makes them so enticing? What is it exactly that makes otherwise sane, rational people feel the need to walk right up to the edge and peer over? Furthermore, what is it that makes us think that hitting the bottom is going to be any less painful than the last time we jumped off? And yet, we leap time and again, hoping that this is the time the net will magically appear to catch us. We hold our breaths and pray as we take that first step off and begin to free-fall.

Oh and what a glorious feeling it is - the falling. The wind rushes past noisily, blocking out all other sounds and senses until the only thing left is the blissful feeling of complete freedom. Even the nagging voice reminding you that the ground is looming is quieted in that first instant. As the ground draws nearer though, that voice grows louder and more insistant that you hear its simple truth: you are going to hit the ground and it is going to hurt like hell.

In those moments we are torn in opposite directions, trying to prepare for the inevitable and desperately clinging to those final moments of free-falling bliss; all the while, still waiting for the net to appear. It is not until the point of impact, when the ground slams into us, that we fully accept what we have known in our hearts all along: there was never really any net at all.

I am...who?

There seems to be a lot of talk lately about labels and how we define ourselves and our roles in this world. Do those lables really make up the whole picture? Or are they just a snapshot, a 3x5, when the real picture is a panoramic? My lovely friend Brianna wrote an amazing post, painting us a bigger, better picture of who she really is. I am so often inspired by her words and this post was no different. So without any more babbling or stalling, here is my own.

I am Stephanie.

I am Betty McSunshine, Ashley, Kiwi, Alice, Georgia, Pima, Steph, Stephie to none, thank God.

I am Queen of Nicknames.

I am mom, daughter, sister, niece, friend.

I am a little exhausted, but mostly invigorated. Life is a precious gift and I don't want to waste a second of it.

I am an imperfect person.

I am giving myself permission to be an imperfect person. It is not an excuse to be lazy, selfish or intentionally hurtful, but a realization that I am human, and as such, will always fall short. If my house is not spotless at the end of the day, if the laundry isn't all caught up, if I didn't cook my daughter a gourmet meal, or get the pictures hung or the flowers watered, it is OK. The world will not cease to exist because my bed went unmade for the 12th day in a row. I can not be everything, do everything, please everyone. It is impossible and unreasonable to ask that of myself.

I am a good friend and I am fiercely loyal. If you need me, I am here. Regardless of the day, the time, the reason, if you call me, I will come. No questions asked. I am forgiving but I don't forget if you hurt me or my family.

I am a judgement-free zone. I may disagree, it may not be what I would have chosen, but I respect that we all have the freedom to make our own choices. I will never judge you. In return however, I ask that you not judge me. I absolutely refuse to build relationships with those who do.

I am bold and intense. I am loud and my brain has no filter. I am going to say something that hurts your feelings at some point. I am going to apologize for hurting you, because I am truly sorry that I did. I am never going to be intentionally mean.

I am addicted to post-it notes and quotes. Lucky for me they go together so well.

I am a creative soul. I love to make jewelry, cards, things for the house, etc. My favorite thing to make is baby blankets. As I sit with the soft yarn intertwined around my fingers, I pray for the child it is going to. That it will keep them warm and offer them security. I secretly hope that they keep it always and pass it down to their own babies.

I am brave. I am also terrified. Of so much I don't even know where to start. But I refuse to give in to the fear. So I put on my big girl panties and move forward, one tiny step at a time.

I am a believer in Jesus. I believe that He loves me always. I believe that He loves you always. I am so thankful that He extends grace and mercy to a train-wreck like me.

I am in love with my daughter. I am the mom who stares at her in awe and wonder. I am proud of her and the little person she is already becoming. I am her protector and I am always surprised how quickly that shield flies up.

I am incredibly blessed by amazing friends. Marcel Proust said, "Let us be grateful to those who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." My friends dry my tears, make me laugh, love me when I'm unlovable. They even hold me tightly while it storms and cover my ears when it thunders. Did I mention I am scared of storms? I am a sissy.

I am a writer. I write every single day, even if it's just for 5 minutes. I want to publish the novel I am working on. It is the first one that I believe actually has the potential to not suck. I dream of the day that I can hold my book in my hands and weep because I actually freakin' did it.

I am at peace the second my toes hit the shore of the Pacific Ocean. As the freezing water rushes past my ankles, my toes dig in a little deeper and root themselves to the spot. All extraneous noise dies, the voices in my head shut up, and all that surrounds me is the whipping wind and crashing waves. That is what happiness sounds like. I am blissful.

I am me and I am the only me there will ever be. I am strong and true and brave.

I am ME.

Let it go

Over on Without Wax, Pete Wilson wrote a post about striving to be a person who is fast to forgive. I have to say that while it was not what I wanted to hear, it was exactly what I needed to hear tonight. Those who know me will tell you that I am definitely not fast to forgive. I am the queen of holding on to things that I should have let go of years ago.

I don't know why I struggle to let things go. I choose to let things eat at me instead of just moving on and focusing on something else. I know that forgiveness isn't always an easy thing to accomplish, but I rarely even try. I think there's something about holding onto my indignation that makes me feel like I'm taking back a little control over a situation that didn't go as I had planned. It affects every relationship & friendship that I've ever had. I feel very certain that I would be a much happier, lighter person if I could just learn to let it go. I let myself get robbed of so much joy because I'm too busy focusing on who I'm mad at today.

So, going forward I am going to make the conscious decision to be fast to forgive. Or at least make a valiant effort...

Magic Couch

I planned on writing a great creative post today but you know how plans go...

Alaina was super fussy and a serious grump today. My in-laws came and visited for the afternoon and I cringed the entire time because my house is SUCH a disaster. I hate when people come to visit and my house is a mess. Not enough to actually clean it, mind you, but still.

I stayed up entirely too late last night and slept right through church this morning so I don't even have a great sermon to tell you about. Pretty much, this is a post about nothing in particular because I started the 365 day challenge and I can NOT fail on day 3.

I promise that I will have better content in the very near future to share with you.


Oh, and I have a magic, magic couch. In case you wanted to know...

Like a breath of fresh air

Today has been a wonderful, lazy day. My friend Kristine is here from California and we spent the day just laughing and catching up. I forget how ridiculous and giddy we are until we are together again. She is an absolutely wonderful friend and I feel incredibly blessed to have her in my life.

During the time that Alaina was in the hospital, we were blown away by the love and generosity that was poured out on our little family. One of the most incredible things was done by Kris and her fiance Bryan. Because the majority of my maternity leave was eaten up by Alaina's NICU stay, I was only going to have a week or 2 home with her. She decided that it just wasn't acceptable that I only have a tiny amount of time with my child so she did what any good friend would do.

She threw us a party.

A ton of people that we have never met got together to celebrate my daughter. They donated money. They donated items to raffle off. They made us beautiful handmade gifts that we will cherish forever. A couple weeks after the party, I got a package with the presents and a check that enabled me to stay home for 5 weeks with my baby girl. It was one of the most incredible, generous things that anyone has ever done for us.

I can not express enough how grateful I am to her, and to all of the people that supported us during that season. You blessed us in ways that I can not even begin to describe.

Thank you.

Happy Halloween & Game Day

Since I know several of you are Georgia fans, I'll get the game day portion out of the way first. Being the always fair person that I am, Alaina was house divided on Saturday. She wore a black shirt & Georgia socks with her Gators bib. Which she drooled ALL over.

I think she took it to heart when her daddy told her that, "Dawgs rule & Gators drool."

Her first Halloween was wonderful. We spent the evening over at the Emerson's and had such a great time. We took the girls trick-or-treating until it started to get cold and windy. Scotlon and I headed back to the house with Alaina while Hannah braved the elements in search of more candy. She was NOT going to let a little wind get in her way! I don't blame her a bit, by the way. I would have done the same during my trick-or-treating years.

I know that I am a wee bit biased but Alaina was the cutest thing ever. Don't you agree?

I hope that you all had a wonderful and very happy Halloween!

Check-up

I just had to write a quick note to tell you how big my sweet girl is getting! At her check-up yesterday she was 12 lbs. 14 oz. (45th percentile) and 24 3/4" (75th percentile). It looks like she's going to be tall and lanky like her daddy!

4 Months

My sweet baby girl is 4 months old today! It's hard to believe that the time has gone by so quickly. She is doing new things every day and getting bigger by the minute. I swear I pick her up after work and she's heavier than she was when I held her that morning. Hailey swears that she's not feeding her miracle gro but I'm not so sure... We tried to take some 4 month pictures but our photo shoot was not entirely successful.

After several minutes of this, we changed locations and finally got a good one!

My sweet Alaina,

You are such a joy! Your daddy and I are ridiculously in love with you baby girl. You have really found your voice over the last few weeks and you are not afraid to use it! You usually wait until we are trying to talk on the phone and then you chime in nice and loud. After not getting to hear you make any noise for so long, we are always tickled when you talk to us though. You absolutely love your jumparoo and squeal with delight when we put you in it. We love that you are happy and we have free hands to eat dinner with:) While it is a little sad that you are getting SO big, we look forward to seeing what the coming months hold. We are incredibly honored to be your parents and thank God daily for giving you to us.

I love you,

Mommy

Pumpkin Patch

One of my favorite things to do each fall is go to the pumpkin patch. Last year, I found out I was pregnant right before our annual trip and I remember thinking about how great it was going to be to come back with our sweet baby. We usually go to Burt's and we tried to again this year but it was just miserable. Since Burt's is so far away from our house we decided to try a new place near Athens.

It was awesome.

Instead of having all the pumpkins together, they're still sitting on the vines.

Alaina thought the vines were really cool. And then she tried to eat them.

She wasn't so sure about the pumpkins themselves. She kept touching them and then pulling her hand away and looking at us.

We took a million pictures and tried to get her to smile but she only looked at us like we were crazy. As soon as I lowered the camera she would smile and giggle again!

Finally on our way out to the car I caught a couple of her smiling at us.

Overall it was a wonderful trip and I can't wait to go back again next year!

The Sullivans

I just learned of this family recently and my heart is breaking for this new father and newborn baby girl who have just lost their wife and mother. I can not even begin to imagine what they are going through right now. Please keep Brady & Chloe in your prayers as they deal with their new reality.

Happy Monday

One of my favorite times of the day is when I'm getting Alaina up and ready to go. She's such a happy baby in the morning! I love peering over the edge of her crib to see her smiling back at me. This morning she was especially friendly and was smiling in her sleep.



Then we get up and change out of our pj's and into a super cute outfit. The hardest part is picking which one to wear for the day!

We spend the majority of our morning eating breakfast...no pictures needed of that though! After breakfast it's off to the swing to hang out for a few minutes while mommy packs the diaper bag. It should have been packed last night but football was on!



Here we are all buckled up and ready to go to Aunt Hailey's! She's still not so fond of the carseat unless it's moving...

I hope that you are having a wonderful Monday morning!

Love,

Stephanie & Alaina

Two Months

I can hardly believe that my baby girl is already two months old! Has it really been two whole months since we took this picture? My belly was so big! Scotlon took this picture at 2:07a.m. when we were leaving to go to the hospital. I was definitely between contractions since I was smiling!


A lot has changed since her one month pictures...praise Jesus! I remember being so sad that her one month birthday was being celebrated at the hospital. The nurses were so sweet and decorated her sign after I left for the day.

My sweet girl today! She's hanging out with her daddy and loving every second of it!

Alaina, my love, there are no words to describe how happy you make me. You are getting so big now and I so enjoy watching all the new things that you're doing. You are such a happy baby and you smile all the time now. Last Friday you rolled over for the first time and your daddy and I were so excited! You are so strong and it's hard to believe that you are only two months old sometimes. You are the best thing that God has ever blessed us with and we can't imagine life without you! I love you baby girl,

Mommy

So grateful

Tonight I am overwhelmed with gratitude for my healthy daughter. Nothing happened, nothing changed, I am just loving my beautiful baby girl. It's been a rough couple of weeks since we came home. Alaina hasn't been sleeping well, Scotlon has been putting in a ridiculous number of hours at work, and I've been beyond frazzled. I've cried because being a mommy is so much harder than anyone tells you it is and then immediately felt guilty because our story could have had a very different ending. I've looked at my kid and said, "come ON, I just need 5 minutes of peace" and then hugged her so tight she probably couldn't breathe because I do love her so very much.

If I had to guess, I think every new mom probably feels that way to some extent but no one really talks about it. Why is it so hard to say that I need help? Why do I feel like I have to have it "together" all the time? We put so much pressure on ourselves and each other to not show any signs of weakness when it's not weakness but reality that we can't do it alone. Can you imagine what a difference it would make if we spent half as much time building each other up as we do picking each other a part?

I'm a little scattered tonight. I'm not sure exactly where I was headed when I started this post but it definitely wasn't where I ended up...

~Stephanie

Typing with one hand

I have been working on this post since we got home but can't quite seem to finish it. Right now I am typing with one hand because my sweet daughter screams when I put her down. It is so thoughtful of her to reassure me that her lungs really are healed now! Anyhow, here are some pictures from our first week home. Enjoy!

Love,

Stephanie

Home Sweet Home

As of 3:30 this afternoon we are officially done with our stay in the NICU! Praise Jesus! It's so surreal to have this day finally be here. We kept looking in the backseat on the way home in disbelief. We are absolutely thrilled of course and have spent the last few hours just beaming with happiness. The last 5 weeks have been incredibly difficult but rewarding as well. God is so good and has used this season to reveal Himself in so many new ways. We praise Him daily for healing our baby girl and bringing her home to us.

"Along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them."
~Isaiah 42:16

Love,
Stephanie

Room-In

Last night I got the opportunity to room-in with my sweet girl at the hospital. They asked me to stay to see how she would do solely nursing through several hours. Needless to say, I jumped at the chance! It was so wonderful to get to sleep with her next to my bed.

I use the term 'sleep' loosely since there was absolutely no sleeping going on. Please keep this in mind when you're reading this post:)

Scotlon had to work but Hailey was so kind and stayed with me so I wasn't alone. She was a huge help and I could not have done it without her. Around 5:30, the machine had been beeping non-stop because the wires were twisted, Alaina wanted no part of nursing or the bottle I was trying to give her, I was running on about 90 minutes of sleep total, and I was so glad for another person in the room with me. Hailey kept me from going completely crazy and I will forever be grateful for her!

This morning after her 9:00 feeding the nurse pulled Alaina's feeding tube out. They want to observe her for 24 hours and if nothing crazy happens, Scotlon and I will room-in again tomorrow evening. Then on Sunday we will get to take our sweet daughter home! We are VERY excited and just a little nervous. Please pray that everything goes smoothly and that the next time I'm writing, it will be with my girl sitting next to me!

Love,
Stephanie

No news is good news

Alaina has had a wonderful week! They were able to turn of her oxygen so she is breathing completely on her own now. Also, the doctors let me start trying to nurse 2-3 times a day if I'm there. If you have any mail to send I can get you the address since I never leave now:) I think that the nurses are probably getting tired of seeing me there!

We are getting really close to being able to take her home. The ONLY thing that we're waiting on is for her to take all her feeds without needing any through the feeding tube. After she does that for 24 hours, they'll pull the tube and then observe her for 24 hours and we're home free!!! She's doing better but she'll get a few down and then have to tube some so the clock starts over again. We're both so ready and anxious that it's hard to be patient during this last leg!

Please pray that she continues healing and that she is able to come home soon!

Love,
Stephanie

I can't think of a witty title so we'll just go with 'Update'

Today has been a good day, full of rest for me. I spent a lot longer at the hospital yesterday and I think it wore me out more than I realized! It was a wonderful day though and I wouldn't have traded it. Aunt Jana, Aunt Hailey, Uncle Michael & Hannah all came to meet Alaina! Hannah had to wait outside because she is still a little young to visit, but they'll be spending a lot of time together in the near future.

Alaina also had a visit from our pastor and she decided to show off her ever-improving lung power for him! I can't blame her though since they were inserting a new feeding tube up her nose. Of course...if she would stop pulling it out they wouldn't have to put a new one in as often. I tried to tell her that but she refuses to listen. I never would have expected a stubborn child since Scotlon and I are so easy going and sweet...ha! In reality, I'm shocked that she's not more of a pill given the genes that she got:)

Last night when Scotlon got there to visit, she had managed to work her oxygen tube out and it was resting up on the bridge of her nose. The good news is that her stats were okay and she was breathing totally on her own for a few minutes. It's too much work for her to keep that up right now though so the nurse put new tape on the tube and we're hoping that she'll leave it alone.

Her feedings are going okay so far. She's not doing really fantastic but she's not doing really badly either. She gets a good rhythym going and tends to take about half the bottle before she needs a break. Once she sits up to burp, she gets tired and has no interest in working for the other half of the bottle. The physical therapist has reassured us that this is perfectly normal and that feedings are typically the last thing to master before kids leave. We are continuing to pray that she gets the hang of it. Once she gets it down a little better, they are going to let me try to nurse. I'm very hopeful that maybe by the weekend or first of next week, they'll let us try. Not that I don't love my pump, but feeding my kid has to be more rewarding than feeling like cattle...

Sometimes I get so tired and frustrated but then I look at that sweet face and it's totally worth it. Don't you just want to squeeze her???

I love that face too:)

Her new room in the Intermediate Care Unit. They didn't know her room was in ladybugs when they made the sign for her crib.

Aunt Jana, Aunt Hailey, Alaina & Me. We all look so much alike in this picture though none of us are actually related!

"Then they cried to the Lord

In their trouble and he saved them from their distress.

He sent forth his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave.

Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love

and his wonderful deeds for men."

~Psalm 107:19-21

Love,

Stephanie

Picture Post

Here are some new pictures of my sweet girl! There's not much new to report right now as far as she's concerned. She is getting better slowly but surely and it's just going to take time for her lungs to heal after the trauma that they've been through. She's doing really well though and we're praying for the rest of her recovery to be speedy! We are both so ready to have our baby girl home with us. Thank you so much for your continued prayers and support. It means more to us than I can even begin to tell you.

I just love the back of her sweet head:)

Throwing a major tantrum!

Sleeping peacefully after finishing our tantrum.

Snuggled in daddy's arms and all is right with the world.

Love,

Stephanie

Quick update

It's been a crazy couple of days so I'm just now getting on to post. Alaina is doing well and hanging in there. She is definitely a rotten little stinker though...she pulled her intubation tube out on Friday night. They watched her closely and decided that she didn't need to have a new one put in. She is now getting oxygen through a nasal tube. She is stable and just trying to work on continuing to heal. And, for tonight that's all I've got since the storm is getting really nasty here and I need to turn off the computer. I promise new pictures and more info soon.

Love,
Stephanie