Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Inappropriate Classroom Behavior

Last night, armed with two pillows and a blanket, we attended the first week of our childbirth classes. We were a little unsure of what to expect since we've never had a need to attend this kind of class before. Nothing, NOTHING, could have prepared us for the next two hours.

We arrived early and met the woman who will be teaching our classes. Off the bat, I'm wondering how many years it's been since she has actually been in labor. Seriously, I think she might be related to Methuselah (we later found out that she has 8 great-grandchildren). I admonished myself for being so judgmental and thought about all the wise older people that I have learned from over the years. After attending only one of our five classes, I can tell you with confidence that she is not going to be one of them.

We get in and settled into the very back row of the classroom. I usually don't sit in the very back because I'm a nerd, but Scotlon insisted and I am so glad that he did. As people are filing in, I'm secretly thrilled that I am not the largest woman in the room. I mean, I love the girls I work with but they're all dieting and skinny. It did something amazing for my self-esteem to sit with women who are not shrinking more by the day. We go around and everyone introduces themselves, when they're due, etc. Then we got down to business.

As we're discussing the progression of labor, our instructor picks up the skeleton pelvis and the doll so she can demonstrate. She shows the baby moving down and everything is going fine until she puts the pelvis back down on the table...with the baby's head still stuck in it. The baby is now sticking straight up at a 45 degree angle out of the pelvis. Perhaps if I had gotten enough sleep on Monday night this might not have been so funny. However, it caught me just right last and the laughter started. At this point, it was still containable though.

We move on to relaxation techniques and visualization. The woman on the tape she's playing has us visualizing ourselves in the womb, talking to our babies, what is your baby telling you? (My baby is telling me to get out...there's barely enough room for her in there)! Then we're imagining our babies in the ocean with water all around. (What the crap is my baby doing in the middle of the ocean? She can't swim people, she's going to drown! How is this supposed to be relaxing me)?

The tape transitions into relaxing each part of our body individually. Each appendage is getting heavy and warm. When she gets to our legs getting heavy and warm, soooo relaxed, all I can hear is Ron White doing his bit about floating down the river peeing on himself. I've got the giggles at this point and I am trying desperately not to laugh out loud. She then says to imagine ourselves warm and flaccid. I will not share my inappropriate thoughts here, but my composure took a nose dive and my shoulders were shaking uncontrollably. The girl in front of me turned around to glare at me, which only made me laugh harder. Not only am I not doing the breathing exercise, but I can't stop laughing long enough to suck in ANY air. The tape finally ends and the instructor lets us have a break. I bolt for the door as fast as my 30 week pregnant belly will let me, praying that I can hold in the laughter until I get outside.

Bear in mind, that we're only halfway through the class at this point. The rest was filled with more of the same uncontrollable laughter and praying that the time would pass quickly. The conclusion that we came to on the way home was that we essentially paid $75 for a self-esteem boost and a great abdominal workout.

I can't wait to see what's on the agenda for next week....


Michelle said...

Thats too funny. I can just see you cracking up in the class. Brad & I never took a child birth class. We watched enough baby stories on tv that we thought we knew what we had coming. It wasnt as bad as I though & my epideral didnt take (I had 4 epis & 2 spinal blocks & still had hot spots). If you have any questions about the whole process please dont hesitate to ask~no matter how crazy u feel the question is. I remember all the questions I had and there were so many things that people didnt prepair me for. Good Luck girl!

Ames said...

OH GOOD LORD -- Stephanie, I can always count on you to keep me laughing when I least expect it. I can see that whole scenario happening and I'm surprised Scotlon didn't help you laugh?!

OH man, I miss not reading your blog on a daily basis... this would be why... no matter what's going on you always have your wit! :)