730

730

That's how many days it has been since the day that my beautiful baby girl was born. Things did not go exactly the way that we planned for them to on that day...

She decided that one is never too young to start giving her parents heart-attacks and grey hairs...

She was destined to be a girlie girl from the very beginning...(note the bow-bow)




On that day, we weren't sure that we were ever going to make it to this day...

But here we are, we have come a long ways!

Clearly, still ALL girl.



Today, I would like to wish a very happy 2nd birthday to the love of my life. Alaina, you are the most amazing little person I have ever met. Every single day you do or say something new that surprises me. My heart overflows with joy and love each time I look into your big brown eyes. I can't imagine living even one day without you. Don't ever forget just how incredibly special you are.

I am so, so proud to be your mommy.

I love you, Laina-bug.

Cliffs

What is it about cliffs that makes them so enticing? What is it exactly that makes otherwise sane, rational people feel the need to walk right up to the edge and peer over? Furthermore, what is it that makes us think that hitting the bottom is going to be any less painful than the last time we jumped off? And yet, we leap time and again, hoping that this is the time the net will magically appear to catch us. We hold our breaths and pray as we take that first step off and begin to free-fall.

Oh and what a glorious feeling it is - the falling. The wind rushes past noisily, blocking out all other sounds and senses until the only thing left is the blissful feeling of complete freedom. Even the nagging voice reminding you that the ground is looming is quieted in that first instant. As the ground draws nearer though, that voice grows louder and more insistant that you hear its simple truth: you are going to hit the ground and it is going to hurt like hell.

In those moments we are torn in opposite directions, trying to prepare for the inevitable and desperately clinging to those final moments of free-falling bliss; all the while, still waiting for the net to appear. It is not until the point of impact, when the ground slams into us, that we fully accept what we have known in our hearts all along: there was never really any net at all.

Change of plans

I had a plan for today. I woke up fully intending on getting about 8 different projects done, a lot of cleaning, and hopefully getting a little writing done in the evening. I sat down with coffee, allowing myself 30 minutes to catch up on some blogs I've neglected before getting started.

It has been almost 4 hours.

Usually, when I get sucked into the internet, it's random articles, that link one to another until a ridiculous amount of time has passed and I have no idea how exactly I came to be watching a YouTube video of a girl high on some good drugs after having her wisdom teeth removed.

Sidebar: You have GOT to go watch it. She even raps. True story.

ANYWAY.

Today was a different story. Recently, a friend recommended Christa Black's new book, "God Loves Ugly." Since I had never heard of her before, I popped on over to Christa's website to see what she was all about...my life will never be the same. Can I just tell you? This girl has got it going on. I have read, reread, and then read again for good measure, all of her blog. There is not a single post that didn't speak to me, inspire me, convict me, encourage me, change me.

The video about perspective? I need/want to watch it every morning to start my day off.

The post on swimsuit season? EVERY SINGLE WOMAN NEEDS TO GO READ IT. It's not just fluff...amazing. A-MAZING.

I could write for hours about all the things flying around in my head right now. I want to let them all soak in a little longer before I start trying to get it all down on paper though.

And, if I don't get on the cleaning and rearranging, there really is going to be nowhere for my new furniture to go. So, I am off to be productive. You guys, head over and check out Christa.

Go.

Read.

Be changed.

I am...who?

There seems to be a lot of talk lately about labels and how we define ourselves and our roles in this world. Do those lables really make up the whole picture? Or are they just a snapshot, a 3x5, when the real picture is a panoramic? My lovely friend Brianna wrote an amazing post, painting us a bigger, better picture of who she really is. I am so often inspired by her words and this post was no different. So without any more babbling or stalling, here is my own.

I am Stephanie.

I am Betty McSunshine, Ashley, Kiwi, Alice, Georgia, Pima, Steph, Stephie to none, thank God.

I am Queen of Nicknames.

I am mom, daughter, sister, niece, friend.

I am a little exhausted, but mostly invigorated. Life is a precious gift and I don't want to waste a second of it.

I am an imperfect person.

I am giving myself permission to be an imperfect person. It is not an excuse to be lazy, selfish or intentionally hurtful, but a realization that I am human, and as such, will always fall short. If my house is not spotless at the end of the day, if the laundry isn't all caught up, if I didn't cook my daughter a gourmet meal, or get the pictures hung or the flowers watered, it is OK. The world will not cease to exist because my bed went unmade for the 12th day in a row. I can not be everything, do everything, please everyone. It is impossible and unreasonable to ask that of myself.

I am a good friend and I am fiercely loyal. If you need me, I am here. Regardless of the day, the time, the reason, if you call me, I will come. No questions asked. I am forgiving but I don't forget if you hurt me or my family.

I am a judgement-free zone. I may disagree, it may not be what I would have chosen, but I respect that we all have the freedom to make our own choices. I will never judge you. In return however, I ask that you not judge me. I absolutely refuse to build relationships with those who do.

I am bold and intense. I am loud and my brain has no filter. I am going to say something that hurts your feelings at some point. I am going to apologize for hurting you, because I am truly sorry that I did. I am never going to be intentionally mean.

I am addicted to post-it notes and quotes. Lucky for me they go together so well.

I am a creative soul. I love to make jewelry, cards, things for the house, etc. My favorite thing to make is baby blankets. As I sit with the soft yarn intertwined around my fingers, I pray for the child it is going to. That it will keep them warm and offer them security. I secretly hope that they keep it always and pass it down to their own babies.

I am brave. I am also terrified. Of so much I don't even know where to start. But I refuse to give in to the fear. So I put on my big girl panties and move forward, one tiny step at a time.

I am a believer in Jesus. I believe that He loves me always. I believe that He loves you always. I am so thankful that He extends grace and mercy to a train-wreck like me.

I am in love with my daughter. I am the mom who stares at her in awe and wonder. I am proud of her and the little person she is already becoming. I am her protector and I am always surprised how quickly that shield flies up.

I am incredibly blessed by amazing friends. Marcel Proust said, "Let us be grateful to those who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." My friends dry my tears, make me laugh, love me when I'm unlovable. They even hold me tightly while it storms and cover my ears when it thunders. Did I mention I am scared of storms? I am a sissy.

I am a writer. I write every single day, even if it's just for 5 minutes. I want to publish the novel I am working on. It is the first one that I believe actually has the potential to not suck. I dream of the day that I can hold my book in my hands and weep because I actually freakin' did it.

I am at peace the second my toes hit the shore of the Pacific Ocean. As the freezing water rushes past my ankles, my toes dig in a little deeper and root themselves to the spot. All extraneous noise dies, the voices in my head shut up, and all that surrounds me is the whipping wind and crashing waves. That is what happiness sounds like. I am blissful.

I am me and I am the only me there will ever be. I am strong and true and brave.

I am ME.

Borrowing words of wisdom

I have been reading the words of Anne Jackson for almost 4 years now. She has made me search deeper for answers, given me hope, inspired me to act and challenged me to love more with each new post. She wrote something about a month ago that broke my heart completely. I wept openly as I read her words, aching for this woman I have never met because, I too, have been there. It is a unique form of grief that is indescribable on most days.

A couple of days ago, she wrote this. In it, she said everything that I wish I could say. She put on paper (or screen, if you will), all of the words that have been blocked inside of me trying to find their way out. So tonight, I ask you to go and read her words, really hear them, and remember that we are all imperfect people in an imperfect world.

Thanks.

No Words

Writing is how I process things. I have to pour everything out together, stream of consciousness style, and then sort through it until it all makes sense and fits into place. While sometimes I get to the end and nothing fits or makes sense, I never have a problem with the spitting it out part.

Until now.

Now it's going something like this:

Stare at blank screen
Type a few words
Delete those words
Type new words
Delete those words
Repeat, Repeat, Repeat

I keep trying to get out all of the thoughts that are swirling around in my brain so that I can make sense of things. So far, I've got zip. Nada. Nothing. Meh.

And so another night passes, without words, without answers. Tomorrow, I shall try again.

Love in the Home

One of the blogs that I am absolutely addicted to is Brooke over at the Veleber Chronicles. Her words always whisper quietly to my soul, often saying exactly the thing that I need to hear. This morning was no different. Her post on love was a perfect reminder to focus on the things that are truly important. I am re-posting her poem, but encourage you to go and read her entire post as well as her older material and be blessed!

“Love in the Home”

If I live in a house of spotless beauty with everything in it's place,

But have not love, I am a housekeeper -- not a homemaker.

If i have time for waxing, polishing, and decorative achievements,

But have not love, my children learn cleanliness -- not godliness.

Love leaves the dust in search of a child's laugh.

Love smiles at the tiny fingerprints on a newly cleaned window.

Love wipes away tears before it wipes up the spilled milk.

Love picks up the child before it picks up the toys.

Love is present through the trials.

Love reprimands, reproves, and is responsive.

Love crawls with the baby, walks with the toddler, runs with the child,

Then stands aside to let the youth walk into adulthood.

Love is the key that opens salvation's message in a child's heart.

Before I became a mother I took glory in my house of perfection.

Now I rest in God's perfection of HIS glory.

As a mother, there is much I must teach my child,

But the greatest of all is love.

--Author Unknown

It runs in the family

If you look closely, you can see her talking with her hands just like I do!

I am finally posting again so crawl off my back, thankyouverymuch

It has been brought to my attention that I have not updated my blog in awhile. So, here I am. And here's what you missed in 50 words or less:

Christmas came and went. Alaina ate the bows off her presents. New Years was uneventful. Spent time with good friends. Took 1000 pictures of my kid cause' she's the cutest thing ever. Got hooked on Scrabble for Facebook...it's like crack. Continued working out. The end.

And now you're all caught up!

Just in case you forgot what we look like...

Or forgot that my kid is THE cutest little girl ever...

Yes, that is a pink cowgirl hat. And matching boots. Thank you to Christen (and Cortlyn even though she doesn't know she's sharing) for the sweet hat!!!

Riding the Crazy Train

Every now and then I get a little lost
my strings all get tangled, my wires all get crossed
Every now and then I'm right upon the edge
Dangling my toes just over the ledge

~Kenny Chesney, You Save Me

This song describes exactly how I have been feeling for the last couple of months. I have tried everything I know to snap out of my funk but nothing has worked. In fact, in some ways, I have managed to make it worse. It has been escalating on a daily basis and by Friday I was on the verge of a panic attack. So, I did what I do best.

I ran.

Well, more driving than running, but you get my point. My sweet friend Christen invited me to get away to her house in Mississippi and before I knew it, I was on the road! It felt so good to be spontaneous and just do something instead of thinking about all the reasons why I shouldn't go.

Saturday morning her hubby headed off to New Orleans for a bowl game. We were still feeling a little restless so we decided to pack up the girls and join him! We left at a much more respectable hour though, since traveling with babies who have napped recently is infinitely better than tired, cranky babies in the car. The girls did beautifully together and we just kept laughing about how bizarre it was that we were taking a road trip together. We got there and spent the whole day wandering the city.

My word, there are some interesting people there. I'm fighting with my computer but I promise to post pictures soon. There was one woman who was wearing a shirt that hit her right at her waist with what I thought were leggings.

No, no, they were tights. Just tights. No undergarments.

I almost pushed the stroller into 10 people trying to get a picture to post without her realizing that I was taking pictures of her. None of them came out perfectly, but I never claimed to be a professional. And I am sure that Annie Leibowitz does not have bangs, a stroller, or a thousand drunk Saints fans to interfere with her photography greatness.

After a truly wonderful day, we packed up the girls and headed home. It was such an easy, successful trip that we are already planning our next road trip. We plan to brainwash our children into believing that this is a way of life so that they'll be seasoned travelers by the time they get old enough to start driving us nuts. Portable DVD players go a loooong way.

Yesterday was my dad's birthday, so I stopped in Birmingham on my way home and told him Alaina wanted to sing to him in person. He and my mom had no idea that I was coming so they were both thrilled to death that we were there. It was so nice to see them and it gave me a great break to stretch my legs and get something to eat. We finally got back on the road and got home late last night.

It was a wonderful, exhilarating, exhausting weekend and it was exactly what I needed...an open stretch of highway, good music, and time to sort out all my thoughts. Some of the things that I've been struggling with were suddenly crystal clear. Some are still murky, but it was only one weekend after all.

And this crazy train has been around for a long time...

Perfect Definition

Chatting with an old friend last night who described me as:

"delightfully sarcastic and bluntly amusing."

Love it!

Tiny Little Bug

Tonight, I got to spend some much-needed time with Hailey and her sweet Logan. I am amazed at how much he's grown in the last month! Even though he's definitely getting bigger, he still seems so tiny next to Alaina. I love knowing that our babies are growing up together and can only hope that they will always remain good friends.

Don't you just love his sweet baby face?!?! He was being so good and just stared at the camera the whole time we were taking pictures.

He felt so small tucked into my arms. Alaina weighed 2 whole pounds more than he did when she was born! Of course, by the time we held her, she was so full of tubes and fluid that she was super heavy. It's been a long time since I snuggled a baby that tiny.

Our two babies snuggled up together! In between pictures Alaina kept leaning over and trying to kiss the side of his face. Hailey and I are thrilled they are so taken with one another because we have already considered an arranged marriage. We would get to be in-laws and could pass over all those pesky dating problems that parents of teenagers have...

Now if I could only find a way to skip the years of sighing and eye-rolling!!!

Off to see Santa

I have been very apprehensive about taking Alaina to go see Santa. It's something that I've been looking forward to since last Christmas and SO many of my friends have had horrible experiences trying to see Santa. Either their kids were crying the whole time or they freaked out and just refused to go near him. I realize that I have no control over how it went so I am thrilled to report that...


She LOVED it! My happy little baby smiled and talked the whole time that she sat on his lap. Everyone in line commented on how cute she was and my heart swelled with pride. Santa was so sweet with her and just laughed when she got her fingers tangled in his beard. Overall the experience was just about as perfect as I could have hoped for!

Inviting the Crazies

Do I have some sort of beacon that calls out to crazy people? Something that says I am just waiting to hear what they have to say? It happens every where I go! Understand me please, I am not talking about generally chatty people, as I am one. I will make friends anywhere, anytime. Seriously. I met my friend Maria because I was lusting after her silver purse and just had to know where she got it.

But I think you have to draw the line somewhere. Tonight I was at the gas station, minding my own business, and the woman at the pump next to me starts talking. I am being friendly and listening, but then she starts telling me about how she is banned from the front office at work for being unprofessional. As I'm nodding along, wishing the pump would move a little faster, she continues on, telling me how she got passed up for a promotion because she's a woman and her boss said she just has penis envy but it's not true because, "hers is bigger".

What???

I just stared at her dumbfounded for a minute. The shock wore off and I quickly finished at the pump and drove away, laughing out loud at the absurdity of it all.

So, if you are embracing the crazy tonight, bring it on! My ears are open and ready to listen...

Cookie Exchange

Cranberry & White Chocolate Cookies
Ingredients:
1/2 cup butter, softened
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup white sugar
1 egg
1 tablespoon brandy
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
3/4 cup white chocolate chips
1 cup dried cranberries
Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line cookie sheets with parchement paper.
In a large bowl, cream together the butter, brown sugar, and white sugar until smooth. Beat in the egg and brandy. Combine the flour and baking soda; stir into the sugar mixture. Mix in the white chocolate chips and cranberries. Drop by heaping spoonfuls onto prepared cookie sheets.
Bake for 9 to 11 minutes in the preheated oven. For best results, take them out while they are still doughy. Allow cookies to cool for 1 minute on the cookie sheets before transferring to wire racks to cool completely.

If any of you have any great cookie recipes, now is the time to share them!

Brutal Honesty

A few days ago, I shared my obsession with laying under the Christmas tree. Scotlon happened to be home last night when I crawled under and this was our conversation:

Him: What on earth are you doing?
Me: Looking at the lights. Come lay down with me.
Him: I don't want to.
Me: Please. It will be fun.
Him: Fine. (He sighs and crawls under the tree)

30 seconds pass...

Him: You are a FREAK! This is dumb. (gets up and walks away)

I love it when we share.

Be encouraged

Every Tuesday I look forward to reading the Titus 2 Tuesday at happyascanb. She honors the amazing women in her life each week and I think it's so awesome! We spend too much time tearing each other down instead of building our sisters up. This week she asked any who want to participate to share about the women that encourage us and the women that teach us Godly lessons.

I am so encouraged by each of the women in my life in different ways and I couldn't do it without any of them. You see, I need the person who will let me whine ENDLESSLY and never tell me to snap out of it. Who will ask if I want advice or just to vent and then do whichever I choose. The person who will not only join me, but will throw one heck of a pity party for me at the drop of a hat. Who will inflate my ego and tell me 1000 times how wonderful I am for no reason.

If she was the only person though, I would be so much harder to live with than I already am! I also need the person who will let me whine when it's justified, but tell me when I'm harping too long and need to move on. Who will prayerfully and in love, get in my face and tell me that I need to clean up my act, stop being an idiot, and get right with Jesus. The person who I ask when I need a brutally honest, don't-hold-anything-back, opinion because I know that she will tell me EXACTLY what she thinks. You know, in the nicest way possible.

I need the person who will sit quietly and hold my hand, transfering all her love and strength to me in the silence. Who knows me so well that no words are needed to convey exactly what she's thinking.

I need the woman who knows my past, loves me in the present, and looks forward to being a part of my future.

I need the woman who has struggled with the same things that I am struggling with so that she knows exactly how to pray for me.

I need the woman who knows my deepest, darkest secrets and still refuses to pass judgement.

I could go on forever because each woman in my life plays a different, vital role but this post is getting long already. So tonight, I thank ALL of the women in my life for the unique blessings that they bring to my life. I wouldn't be who I am without your influence!

Unspoken

I am usually specific in my prayer requests, but tonight I ask you to lift up someone without knowing who or why. Lift up the person that is walking a dark and scary road tonight. Pray without ceasing for strength and courage. For wisdom in all decision making. That our Abba Father will wrap loving arms around this person and pour out His love. For the peace that passes all understanding. Please stop what you are doing and get on your knees now.


Romans 8:26: In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

Thank you so very much,

Stephanie

I'm a little all over the place

I'm a little scattered tonight so I'm posting bulletin-style instead of trying to write something cohesive.

~My Christmas tree is finally up and decorated. The rest of the house is on it's way but not quite done yet. I figured about the time we finish, it will be time to take it all down again.

~Alaina has a cold and a double ear infection. She has not been a super happy baby this weekend for good reason. On the upside, she seems to like the way her antibiotic tastes so we're not having to fight her to get it down.

~I'm a little over drama and the people who thrive on it. I know that we can't always avoid drama in our lives (hello!) but there are people who just love to be in the middle of it all. It's like they can't function unless all the attention is focused on them. You know exactly the kind of people I am talking about. You probably know at least one.

~Football is a beautiful thing unless you're watching your team self-destruct. It is then the most frustrating thing in the world. This was the case in my house on Saturday night and I would like some credit for not throwing the remote control.

~Sometimes I wish that no one knew that *I* was the one writing this blog. And then I could write exactly what I feel or think without the worry of upsetting someone that I might wish to write about.

~It's so cold here and I love it. I really, really wish that we would get snow again this year. Preferably on a weekend so I can really enjoy it.

~I have only purchased 2 Christmas presents so far. I am WAY behind and instead of being stressed about it I am very zen. I plan on shopping like a man this year and finishing the rest of it on the 23rd and 24th.

~I have to stop posting random things and go put together bottles to send with Alaina tomorrow. Aren't you glad that there is finally an end to this nonsense???

New trick

It takes her a full minute or so to get warmed up but she is LOUD after that!